Forlorn Fridays: I Cannot Find a Toilet" in the style of SLAM Poetry

I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
I MAY SHIT MY PANTS!
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
SOCIETY HAS TAUGHT ME TO HOLD MY FUNCTIONS!
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
THIS DOES NOT FEEL NATURAL!
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
BEARS DO IT, WHY CAN'T I?
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
THEY COULD BEST ME EASILY, WHY AM I ABOVE THEM?
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WIPE THEIR ASS!
I CANNOT FIND A TOILET!
FUCK MY LIFE!

I'm a celebrity...Get me outta here!

Heidi Montag is sad because she finally realized she is no longer human, but a tool the illuminati is using to distract Americans.

Super Fucking Sad Song Lyrics - Vol. 3 : "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas

*Pretty Obvious, but DAMN, this song is fuckin' sad, man.

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

Hey Kid! I'm a Computer!

This Computer is sad because teenagers keep using it to send pictures of penises and vaginas to each other.

Super Fucking Sad Song Lyrics - Vol. 2 : "5 Years" by David Bowie

Pushing through the market square
So many mothers sighing
News had just come over
We had five years left to cry in
News guy wept when he told us
Earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet
Then I knew he was not lying

I heard telephones, opera house, favourite melodies
I saw boys, toys, electric irons, and TVs
My brain hurt like a warehouse
It had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things
To store everything in there

And all the fat-skinny people
And all the tall-short people
All the nobody people and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people
A girl my age went off her head
Hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't pulled her off
I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm
Fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest
And a queer threw up at the sight of that

I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlor
Drinking milkshakes, cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine
Don't think you knew you were in this song

And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of Ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We got five years, stuck on my eyes
We got five years, what a surprise
We got five years, my brain hurts a lot
We got five years, that's all we've got

Forlorn Fridays: Sad Birds; A Photo Essay

Birds know more than we do. FACT. So when they are bummed out, you know it's on some really sorrowful shit.

Case of the Everydays: A Existentialist Conversation Between two Frat Boys.

Chad: Bro, lemme ask you somethin' bro.
Joey: Sup bro?
Chad: You ever think about like, life, bro?
Joey: Whaddayu mean, like, where am I gonna work after school?
Chad: Nah bro, like, LIFE, like, why do I even exist, bro?
Joey: Nah bro, can't say I do. Can't say I do.
Chad: I mean bro, where does life come from, bro? Why does it happen, what's the point?
Joey: Uh, God? Yeah bro, like god, praise God, holy mother Mary of Grace. Yeah bro, like, big ups to God for sure.
Chad: I mean, yeah, of course God, dude. But like, why did God do this, are we an experiment?
Joey: I don't know, bro, my major is business.
Chad: Bro, like, I just don't see the meaning. I don't even know what the word meaning MEANS, I feel like when I think about it, my heads gonna explode because of the circular nature of my thought process, dude.
Joey: Uh, what, bro?
Chad: Like, how am I gonna be happy? How will I ever be satisfied with the banality and silliness of life?
Joey: Oh, shit, that's easy, bro. Bitches and beers with your boys!
Chad: Oh, word. Cool. Put on that DMX cd.

Come on down-er

Drew Carey is sad because the won't let him eat cheeseburgers anymore... And that motherfucker LOVES cheeseburgers.

Above the Blog

This cop is sad because he beat the shit out of someone, got caught, and is now suspended for two weeks...with pay.

We Don't Need No Education

This kid is sad because his teacher wouldn't let him do his project on Monster Energy Drink or Wocka Flocka Flame. Fuckin Teachers, man.

Tears of a Clown

Glenn Beck is sad because he might be starting to finally realize he is the fucking Devil.

Case of the Everydays: Angel dog, Dog angel.

I had a thought that maybe when I die, I will go to Heaven.
It was weird because I don't believe in Heaven or Hell or God.
This thought was centered around my dog being there.
She is really expressive, and has a lot of character, so I think
of her as human, almost.
So I thought maybe she is an angel, inside a dog's body,
keeping tabs on us, and when we die, she will be there,
as an angel, and it would be surreal.
I thought she might tell me her name isn't really Phoebe.
I also thought she would be pretty bitter because of all
the times I impatiently tugged on her leash because she took
so goddamn long to smell a stupid old dried turd.

Raw Deal

This oyster is sad because people like the taste of him, but can't take the smell.

Super Fucking Sad Song Lyrics - Vol. 1 : "St. Augustine's Road" by Mt. Egypt

I don't want to try to get excited
about the motion of my life changing
and my mind flipping
home alone, again
at three in the afternoon
paralyzed in cold silent sunrise
with nowhere to go
nothing to say
I used to know where I could find myself
in the thick of the wood
in the top of a tree
but I'm lost now
gonna spend some time
since my own mind did little but harm me
home alone, again
at three in the afternoon
paralyzed in cold silent sunrise
with nowhere to go
nothing to say
and you're being punished
for things you've never done wrong
madness comes knocking
you answer in song
and you're being punished
for things you've never done wrong
madness comes knocking
you answer in song

ed. note - yikes

Moew is me

This little kitten is sad because the complexities of the world escape it constantly.

Forlorn Fridays: The Most Magical Whatever

There was this Unicorn
it was born one day
From a beam of light
Fully grown.
It knew it was a magnificent creature
with it's white coat and golden hooves.
It went forth into the world
Knowing it would change everything.
The first people it met were two teenagers
Eager to disregard anything.
The Unicorn spoke
In a voice like God
"Hello! Fine to meet you! I am the most magical Unicorn ever!"
The Teenagers were not impressed
"Unicorns? That shit is for kids ROTFLTTYLBRBJSPHFL"
So it jumped off a fucking cliff and died.

Lady, from the Moment I Saw You

Kristen Wiig is sad because she is not my wife, and we will both never be complete.